I have been practicing mindfulness for a few years now – initially as a way to deal with anxiety, then as a discipline to make myself more centered. In the midst of the most painful time of my life that correlated with an awakening and returning to self, I feel that I discovered child-like presence for the first time.
What I found with mindfulness was a new way to live. Since I can remember, I have lived waiting for a difficult thing to be over. Especially in college and graduate school – I gritted my teeth until the test, the week, the semester was over to finally be able to rest. The break would come and go for me to start up again. This even translated to things I enjoyed – fantasy books, meals, workouts – it was all about the countdown to the finish. I could be a fancy restaurant eating a delicious meal and feel this need to finish the mouthwatering dish in front of me where I just rush through it until the end of the meal.
In meals, books, perhaps workouts, definitely sex – the joy is absolutely in the process. There came a point I realized rushing through endings is its own hamster wheel for even the most delicious parts of life. I decided in the midst of the hardest time of my life (writing my dissertation and getting a divorce) that I did not want to miss any of life, that I would not wish it away.
I have been gifted with the most wonderful days and moments. True peace, happiness, abundance daily. The stress is still there but only as a passing cloud.
Ask yourself – can you start living now how you expect to live once that next thing is over? What about that being over frees you up? Is there actually freedom, peace, abundance, joy in this moment?
Make the decision to start living true to yourself. Right now, today, in this moment. It’s never too late, and once you start, the things you must release you realize would have been taken from you anyway. They are not yours when you are untrue to yourself. It is like stepping into a cold waterfall. Exhilirating, exactly what you need, breathtakingly cold and uncomfortable – but with way too much energy and joy to think the discomfort would make it difficult to withstand. Step into it. Let the cold water drench you. Be cleansed. Be renewed. Decide to live well. It is in this moment you make the decision, and this moment the joy begins.
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