Surrender doesn't mean going to sleep

There was a time when I believed that trusting God meant letting go completely.

Not just of control—but of awareness, agency, and even effort.

I was deep in my religious practice then, and the phrase “Jesus take the wheel” made perfect sense to me. But not in the way it’s usually meant.

To me, it meant: take my hands off the wheel, my foot off the brake, and my eyes off the road.

Essentially, go to sleep and wake up when the storm is over.

Why?

Because I was taught that humans were deeply flawed. That we couldn’t possibly create anything good on our own. That trusting meant turning everything over to God and waiting for Him to fix it.

And yet—this belief system clashed hard with another one I was immersed in.

Growing up, achievement was the gold standard.

Hard work, discipline, straight A’s, goals.Effort equaled value.If you wanted to create anything in this world, you had to earn it.No one was coming to save you.

These two worldviews—religious surrender and achievement culture—were constantly at odds inside me. I carried that dissonance for over 20 years. When I saw the darker side of religion—how power could be used in unsavory ways—I let go of the version of trust and surrender I’d been given. 

And in its place, I embraced radical responsibility. 

I owned my actions.I rebuilt my life.I made things happen.

But years later, when I began working with the chakra system, something shifted again.

The crown chakra, the center of divine connection and surrender, brought back a feeling I hadn’t touched in years— but this time, it came with wholeness. 

Not from shame or submission. 

But from grace. 

From feeling the infinite beyond myself and the power within me.

Still… I had a blind spot.

Even with all this inner work, I realized recently that I was still trying to control everything.

• My work.

• My schedule.

• The perception others had of me.

• Even the direction of my business.

That blind spot became clear during a recent conflict.

I had signed up for a yearlong coaching program—and felt called to leave partway through....I knew it was right for me....But I’d signed a contract, and I could also see my coach’s perspective.

In the past, I would’ve acted fast—smoothed it over, resolved the tension, gotten back to “peace.”

But this time, I didn’t.I stayed in the discomfort.I let the emotions rise.I didn’t try to fix it or control the outcome.

And something beautiful happened.

The conflict resolved in a way I never expected.Not because I pushed for it.But because I trusted myself—and trusted the process.

It taught me something profound:

Trust and surrender don’t mean going to sleep.They don’t mean waiting for someone else to save you.They don’t mean abandoning your power.

They mean staying awake, even when things are uncomfortable.Keeping your eyes open.Holding your course.And trusting that even when a boulder seems to block the road…the road will clear.

This new level of trust has shifted everything.I wake up with a calm excitement.The dread I used to carry doesn’t last.Things that would’ve triggered anxiety just… don’t.

Because I’m not gripping so tightly anymore.

And I see now: this is what real spiritual work is.Not what you do in a vacuum.But what happens when you apply it to real life.

This one conflict has given me so many blessings:

• A deeper release of anxiety

• A true felt experience of surrender

• New friends and collaborations

• And a renewed vision for how I want to run my business

I don’t want to convince people to work with me. 

I do want to convince you that transformation is possible. That you are not bound by your past. That you hold a radiant power inside that is just waiting to be remembered.

Thank you for reading. It’s a joy to share these moments with you.