What are your thoughts on this statement: in the mundane day to day experience, there is always something you could be grateful for and something you could complain about.
It is our choice to decide which one we focus on and who we become.
Our conscious awareness only acknowledges less than one percent of any given stimulus at a time. So there is a range of possibilities to choose from in terms of what we focus on, what we talk about, what we believe about ourselves. Neuroscientists discuss how our personalities may be better thought of as grooves in the brain that caused by habit patterns. It is not that our personalities are fixed, but that we will predictably follow the same neural pathways throughout life when facing different circumstances - therefore reinforcing what we think is “me.”
And yet change is possible. I am so motivated to change my default conscious state to be one of gratitude, joy, and kindness. Even with this motivation and my belief that I can change myself, I still face resistance when irritating circumstances arise. For example - I really don’t like feeling like I didn’t do well at work, feeling like others perceive me in a way that is embarrassing to me, feeling shame that I should have known something I didn’t. I often feel resistance to changing the way I look at the situation, as it requires me to release the blame on other people that gives me an alibi.
To avoid feeling discomfort and shame, my natural pathway is to resist changing the way I look at things. I double down on being irritated at the people or circumstances that made me feel less than. In my own mind, I insist it is their fault I feel this way….and I may even phone a friend to complain about the situation I’m in. It feels great (for a moment) when they agree that it is “their” fault, certainly not my responsibility to change how I’m looking at it.
But I practice, practice, practice. It is not a denial of my feelings, but a repetition of shifting my attention from my irritation to my gratitude. Sometimes it takes me longer than I would like, and I get caught up in my frustration. For me, my tell is that I start justifying in my self-talk why I am stressed out. When I find this happening, as soon as I can, I practice putting a hand on my heart and just feeling the emotion. Telling myself I can do this, I can manage this feeling, I can manage this situation. I can take responsibility and not blame it on others (and not shame myself).
I find something that I’m grateful for, breathe into it, and then am flooded with a dozen or a hundred additional things I appreciate. Such as: I can leave my house whenever I want without a mask, I can ride my bike to work, I have lovely people in my past and present I am in relationship with, I can go to the grocery where there is an absolute abundance of food, I get to spend time with my incredible partner everyday, and the list goes on. Beyond that, I borrow the Dalai Llama’s idea of “sacred friends,” who are people that do cause you irritation and essentially can help purify your spirit. I give thanks for those I am frustrated with, as they are helping me become the woman I want to be.
Note: I am talking about irritation and frustration, not so much trauma and abuse. Irritation and frustration can actively be released in the moment - let go. But abuse and trauma need care, attention, embodiment.
Changing the neural pathway takes a significant amount of repetition…and it’s possible!
Accept the feeling (put a hand on heart, be present with self)
Instill confidence in yourself - I can do this, I can manage this feeling
Shift attention to what you are happy about this moment (you may zoom out, or shift your gaze)
Take a moment to feel, really feel gratitude in your body
Give thanks for your sacred friends, helping you become the person you want to be
Each time you try it, you will a new level of compassion for yourself and others, curiosity about others and about life, and sense of freedom that you have the power to become the best version of yourself.
You can do this. You can manage the feeling and become your best self.
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